Saturday, April 23, 2016
For me, it is hyacinth blue. If ever there was a colour that describes who I am on the inside it would be the vivid purple- blue of the spring hyacinth. Solemn and quiet. A crescendo of deep emotions.
On occasion, the hue of who I am darkens- turns the colour of the ocean moments before the sun crawls down into the depths. Silence may glaze nightfall's surface, but underneath the hidden under worlds of the sea churn. The ocean calls out to my spirit like a mother long lost, whispering of the time when humanity's roots once nestled in her depths.
I've long had an intuitive sense of self, drawn to the deep blues our world offers. However, for many years, if I could have chosen, I'd probably have picked for my soul to be the bright vivid yellow of a gorgeous late-August sunflower.
I believed if only I could emulate the sunny, energetic, extroverted, ever confident personalities I saw in others, that I'd become good enough to be accepted as I was.
That I don't have the sunniest of personalities seemed like a terrible secret to be hidden at all costs. I felt deep shame. Even now as a mother in my thirties, I still sometimes really struggle with this.
But overtime, my journey has taken me towards peace. It took a long time, but finally I began to accept myself as I am, to see there could be worth--beauty even-- in a personality that is more contemplative than vivacious, more quiet and introspective than life of the party.
I've come to love the unique inner beat to which my spirit dances. It took me a long time to realize there is as much beauty in the gentle sound of wind rustling through an old tree as the joyous song of a spring robin perched in it's ancient boughs. It's just a different kind of music.
I like feeling things deeply--it has has caused me to develop a rich inner life where I question everything and take little for granted.
I'm sensitive to so many things- both pain and beauty. My hope is for the pain I live with to develop within my heart an empathy for others who hurt.
It has also been a catalyst that's drawn me towards beauty, to develop an appreciation for and connection with the beauty of our natural world.
It has set me on a journey towards peace.
What about you? What colour describes who you are inside? Can you relate to feeling the need to be someone different than who you really are inside?